Mama and Mountains

My mama told me right after I was diagnosed with cancer that God could turn the situation into something beautiful, that something good could come from it. I was so mad at her for saying that. I was just diagnosed with cancer! At 29, I just had my 2nd wedding anniversary and my little boy was about to turn one. I felt I had just been handed a death sentence and here she was saying something so annoying and absurd. How could she be so insensitive, I wondered. Surgery, chemotherapy and radiation were these 3 huge mountains looming in front of me, I didn't see how in the world I would ever get through all of it. I thought, she totally doesn't understand me or what I'm going through at all. I couldn't care less what good comes from it!! I just want the nightmare to be over and go back to living my life how it was before.  It just wasn't fair, and frankly, I didn't want to be the shining example of how God can turn ashes to beauty, let someone else have this battle and their beauty and ashes and all that, I just want my life back! I didn't want the plan I had for my life to be disrupted. I was so mad at my mom for those crazy comments, I was mad at God, and mad at the world, to be honest.

Regardless how bitter I was, I was still faced with the reality I had to deal with the cancer, and I was resolved, for lack of a better word, resolved to the treatment plan my oncologist decided on.  Like it or not, this was my cross to bear. 8 months later, I'm not going to sit here and tell you any of those 3 mountains were easy to climb. They certainly were not.

In fact, the day of my surgery was the worst day of my entire life. I was honestly scared beyond words. It didn't seem fair that at 29, I was about to go into a surgery to lose both my breasts, because a biopsy showed some stupid cells in my body called cancer were wrecking havoc. It was a terrifying few minutes before they finally gave me the meds to help sedate me and finally put me under for surgery. Some survivors I've talked to said their surgery day was good for them, it enpowered them, there were ready for it and excited to get the majority of cancer out of their body. That wasn't the case for me. I was terrified of the surgery, terrified of waking up without my breasts, terrified of the cancer period.

Chemo wasn't easy either. I had 6 treatments total. 1st one wasn't so bad. 2nd one a little bit tougher, and by the 3rd I was so completely wiped out that even giving Sawyer a bath was a chore. By treatment 5 and 6, I felt like half a person, running on empty, everything I did was because I made myself, not because I had the energy or because I wanted to. And the chemo meds to save my life cost me a price, my hair. So there I was, with my extreme fatigue, bald-headed, boob-less, with one last hurdle still ahead, radiation.

I have to say, of the 3 mountains, radiation was by far the easiest. There were a couple weeks I had to take Tylenol for the pain every day. My skin was burned, as one would expect from radiation. It looked gross, felt gross, was gross. I was embarassed every day I had to take my shirt off in front of the radiation techs. I know the techs are used to seeing it, but it was still a very humbling experience. And I had to drive to High Point from Denton everyday, M-F for 33 treatments. Although the easier part of treatment, it was still a pain.

I point out all the challenges and terrible things about the '3 mountains', to finally say, my Mama was right.  I realized it today. I'm not saying I'm glad I had cancer, that would be really weird. But I am glad for the darker days I went through because I'm coming out cleaner on the other end. I do believe, with all my heart, the cancer has strenghtened my character, taught me to be more grateful, I see the small things in life are really the big things. I also have realized that God is ever faithful, and he never left my side. I look back and I can see his hand in every part of my treatment, from diagnosis, all the way to right now. Here are just some of the ways God was with me, looking out for me, and even blessing me during the past 8 months....

• I found a lump in my right breast, on a Saturday, 2 days before our 2nd wedding anniversary. I told Steven about it that night. We were worried, but not that worried. I told Steven I would wait a couple weeks and if it was still there, I'd call my doctor. Sunday left me with a nagging feeling that I shouldn't wait, and I made an appt for the early part of the week. That 'nagging' was the Holy Spirit, looking out for me, telling me, don't delay!
• That same week, my mammogram and ultrasound were normal, despite the obvious palpable lump. The radiologist who read those tests recommended I just come back in 3 months for a follow-up. He sent the report to my gynocologist. She was not satisfied with that recommendation at all, and sent me to a breast surgeon for further evaluation. Again, I was being looked after...3 months would have been way too long to wait, with the aggressive, fast growing nature of the cancer I had.
• The breast surgeon gave us 2 options. #1 stop my birth control pills & come back in 6 weeks, if the lump is gone, it was most likely a fibroadenoma, a benign lump, problem solved. #2, do a biopsy that very day, get results in a week, know for sure what we are dealing with. Steven was the one who made the decision to do a biopsy. Again, the Holy Spirit was looking out for me, working through my husband.
• Once the cancer diagnosis was made, every doctor we talked to recommended a unilateral mastectomy (one-sided). The MRI showed no evidence of any cancer in my left breast at all. So my surgeon, oncologist and gynecologist all told us it would be best option to just do one side, easier recovery, no need to borrow trouble, so to speak. Still,  I felt this 'nagging' feeling, a strong intuition that a bilateral mastectomy may be the way to go. After thinking on it for 2 days, I had no doubt in my mind, we're doing both. I was 100% sure. The nagging I can now attribute to the Holy Spirit, again, guiding me to the right decision. After surgery, the pathology report showed the 6.5 cm tumor from the right side, malignant, as we already knew. The report also said "Incidentally, microscopic cancer found in left breast tissue, ductal carcinoma in situ". Well, what do ya know. After seeing that report, I was so relieved! The Holy Spirit lead us right were we needed to be! 
• While the surgery and months of chemotherapy were maybe the darkest days I've had to face in my life thus far, I have never ever felt so loved. People I don't even know have heard my story and sent us money. I have received right at 100 greeting cards of encouragement in the mail, from friends and family, heck, even friends of friends have sent me stuff. My facebook page has exploded with love and support. My co-workers at Mt Vista came to my house and set up the most beautiful Christmas tree I have ever seen, jam packed with what else, but pink ornaments! My GBHU family bought me tons of gifts to help me during my recovery from surgery, and many of my co-workers donated money or PTO. My in-laws church took up a love offering. Neighbors, family members, friends have brought food, lots of food! My sisters and my mama cleaned my house numerous times. Our families stepped in to take care of Sawyer when I was too sick to get out of bed. I am on prayer lists at churches where I don't even know anybody. My BFF (and cousin) Chrissy came to my house many days, washed laundry, cleaned up and watched Sawyer, while I laid in the bed, exhausted from the chemo.  My manager at the hospital allowed me to work a schedule where I could be off work on the weeks of chemo and never said a word when I showed up pale and weak, working the shortened hours my doctor put me on. I've made friends with other bc survivors through support groups online, and what a blessing it is to talk to other ladies going through the exact same thing. We were the recipients of a raffle associated with the Tour De Kale. So many people have called to check on me, sent me texts to let me know they are thinking of me.  Honestly, the list goes on and on of all the ways we have been shown love and compassion. It all has meant to much to us! It definely made it easier to have so much help. People have loved up on us in ways I never would have expected. God used people to take care of us, and they might not have even known they were being used!
• Through out all of this, my relationship with my husband is stronger, more solid than ever. I feel like we made it through the past 8 months, my gosh, we can conquer anything! We can't take credit for this success though, only with Gods help were we able to become closer and stronger. Without Him, the outcome may have been very different.

Most importantly, God used this struggle to get me back where he wanted me. I'm not saying I was some raging heathen, lost in all my worldly ways, before my diagnosis, I wasn't. But I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Although we didn't go to church, I still believed in God, and I never stopped believing he had a plan for my life.  But I certainly was not actively seeking Him, and I wasn't in tune to his plan for my life. But I still prayed all the time for healing, every night, every day. I was mad again with God, when at the end of April, my CT scan showed those suspicious bone lesions on my right hip and spine. I told Steven, how in the world can God give me a beautiful son and good marriage, and then slap me in the face with the reality that I may not raise my baby or grow old with my husband. Steven said to me, Elisha, you are not doing anything to please him with our lives, we don't do to church, we don't tithe, we're not at all where we need to be, so how can you expect him to give you a miracle?! I thought about that for a while, and although I didn't want to admit it, he was right.

And finally, the cancer, the terrible burden of it, just reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore. The thought of the next scan and the possibility of another bad report, were just too much to bear. There was really only one way to turn. Me sitting at home, passively praying every night was not going to cut it, just like Steven said. So we found a church, a good one too!

And I gave it up, I surrended to him, laid down my struggles, and let him work in me. My new church, along with 100's of other people, have been praying deligently for me, praying this repeat bone scan last week would be clear. Last Sunday, we had a great service at church, with Pastor John sharing with the congregation a little about my situation, and the importance of my repeat scan. They laid hands on me, and prayed for me. It was awesome to feel the love there, and feel the power of so many people agreeing in prayer at one time.

I've heard a preacher say, God chooses to heal people and their ailments in one of 3 ways:
1. Doctors, nurses, hospitals, technology, medications, etc.- i.e. conventional medicine
2. He performs an outright miracle
3. He takes you home to be with Jesus, putting your physical body at rest

I believe my healing comes from a combination of #1 and #2. I can't deny the importance of medicine, it's what I do for a living, ya know. I believe my surgery, combined with chemo and radiation got most of the cancer. But it's obvious some rogue cencer cells probably made their way to my bones and set up camp, because of the report from that CT scan. But I also believe in the power of prayer. Because my bone scan last week was clear. Squeaky clean in fact. And even my oncologist said it really shouldn't be, "clinically speaking".

As a nurse, I understood the statistics of my situation were just not good. Stage IIIc breast cancer, with 12/14 lymph nodes positive for an aggressive, fast growing cancer, a tumor that was 6.5 cm in diameter. "Clinically", the odds are definitely against me. I had an epiphany however, and I realized, God is not "clinical"! How awesome is that? God doesn't care if 30 lymph nodes are positive, he doesn't care how big the tumor was, he doesn't care if the oncologist says there is a 50/50 chance the cancer is in your bones, it makes no difference to him. He tells the mountain to jump and it jumps, right?! Whatever was there, is not growing. It's not active cancer tumors. I think God took care of those spots for me, where the chemo didn't get to, and the radiation couldn't reach, God took care of it.

There may be more struggles ahead, but I feel like this season of battling and fighting the enemy is just about over. As Pastor John says, we've pushed the devil back over the line, back to the other side. He knows now that he's not welcome here anymore.

All I can do is thank the Lord and praise him. I'm able to stop worrying about planning my funeral, worrying about who will cut Sawyer's fingernails and who will fold the towels if I'm not here.  I can start living life!! I cannot wait to see what His plan is and how he will use me to help other ladies go through what I just went through. I am truly not bitter at all anymore. Turns out my mama was right and I believe I'm right where I'm supposed to be. So thank you Jesus for that!