There are a lot of things in life you can try and prepare for. Things like vacations, moving to a new house. having a baby. I like to think I'm the kind of person that likes to prepare for things ahead of time. I try anyways.
Recently, however, I've learned one thing you seriously can't prepare for is losing your hair. Which in itself, is a stupid phrase. Because the hair is not 'lost', I know exactly where it is. It's all over this house! It's in the bed, it's on the couch, it's in the tub, it's in the drain, it's in the kitchen floor, it's all over our clothes. The only thing 'lost' about it, is that I can't very well put it back where it came from.
Oh, I tried to prepare, I bought some hats, I got a few scarfs, I even bought a wig. Yes, I bought a wig. Which is a funny story itself. I was out and about one day, doing one of the 2 things I'm allowed lately , grocery shopping or going to the doctor, and I decided to stop by the wig store. The sales lady had on a huge poofy wig and fake eyelashes, that should have been my first clue. But after an hour and a half, and ohhs and ahhs, and a consultation with my mom and sister, I spend an outrageous amount of money on a mop of fake hair. If you know me, you know I was caught somewhere between laughing and crying inside during this whole outrageous experience. Wig shopping. seriously. But anyways, I went home armed with the thought that when this hair does fall out, I'm all set. That wig was like my armour.
It started falling out, just like my oncologist predicted, about 3 weeks after my first chemo treatment. It's easy to be brave, when you still have a full head of hair, and look in the mirror and still see yourself looking back. But the bravado disappears along with the first chuck of hair. And I spent a good day or more feeling very sorry for myself. It's bad enough the cancer requires surgery, takes away a part of you that you have identified with for more than a decade, but now it's going to go and take your hair too. It's downright depressing, no matter how you look at it. And along with all the other grieving I've done lately, I had to grieve my hair too.
To spare the broom, and the swiffer, and my back, we decided to just buzz my head last weekend. We put Sawyer in his high chair and gave him a cracker, we wanted him to see and maybe understand what was happening. I guess my hair just didn't really do it for him, because he clapped off and on the whole time. As the hair fell in the trash and the tears fell from my eyes, I could hear my husband saying, "It's ok, I love you." And I know he does.
One thing cancer has done, is put everything into a crystal clear perspective. Yes, I did spend about a week moping around about my hair falling out, I couldn't help myself. But I do know, more than anything, all that matters in this world is my family and my friends, and loving each other, and making sure people know that. I've let go and realized I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, I can't control anything. But I know who loves me, and I know God has a plan for me. And that's what I'm holding onto these days.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are, by far, the bravest sweetest, most wonderful person I know! Some of my happiest moments in nursing school involve your smiling face! You may lose your hair, but don't ever lose who you are! God does have great plans for you, He told me so! One day you will be able to use this trial to comfort, help, and encourage others!
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome Elisha. You've ministered to me today and that may well indeed be his plan. And you know what? I love you just the same; hair or not. I think you actually do have the right to have pity parties. If not, you wouldn't be sincere. Jesus and I have talked about you a lot this week and I hope the coming week may be a little better. Thanks so much for sharing part of your life with us!
DeleteI love you & am so glad I can call you my friend. You are so brave & so strong. You inspire me!! You're allowed to have as many pity parties as you need. :) I have them often over minor little things. Elisha you are beautiful inside & out, everyone that knows you knows that. We all love you no matter what!!
ReplyDeleteI know it's not the same Elisha, by far, but when I would try different cuts or colors, people would say aren't you scared to do that? and I'd answer 'It's just hair! It'll grow back!" It IS just hair. Nothing really important, not what defines you, not what makes you beautiful. You are beautiful from the inside out and I can't wait to see what God has prepared for you!!
ReplyDeleteI love you
ReplyDeleteI love you!
ReplyDeleteElisha,I had a time in my life where I had to wear a wig because my hair came out due to a sickness.It was hard but it came back not thick like it was but at least it came back so I understand the felling about the wig.My hair did not make me then just like yours does not make you now but it effectived the way I looked at myself just as it will u until you get adjusted to it.Please know that I am praying for you everyday and when I wake up at night I pray for you then.We don't always know what God has in mind but we do know He has our best interest in mind.We don't know what the future holds but we do know WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE.THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR HEART!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say except that your description of this experience, as hard as I'm sure it was to put into words, has moved me to tears. I can only imagine. But you give powerful insight into your situation with this blog. Thank you again for sharing.
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