Scans and peach fuzz.....

It's been a while and I'm sorry for that. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, it's just finding the motivation to do it really.

A lot has happened since my last post. Some good stuff, some not so good. One of the biggest highlights of the past couple months.... I finished chemotherapy!!!!! On April 3rd. I have never been so glad to have something over and done with! After those 4.5 months or so, I seriously feel like I could do anything,. Like I'm super woman or something. I hope and pray I don't have to go through it ever again.

I also started radiation. Today was my 10th treatment. I've got 23 left. My skin is holding up so far, but from what I've heard, it can get pretty burned. Like a really bad sunburn. I know it might not be so easy towards the end, but anything is better than chemo! I have to go everyday, mon-fri for the rads. I lay down on this long couch-looking table, into a mold they made of my upper body. They position me exactly the same every time, lining me up by the 6 tiny tattoos I had to get. Tiny little dots. Then the machine moves around me, stopping 3 times to deliver the radiation...Targeting 3 fields, all on the right side, my underarm area, my chest wall, and the lymph nodes around my collar bone. The whole thing takes about 20 minutes or so each day. Pretty easy so far....

With all that said, we were finally starting to feel like we'd rounded a corner...like maybe, just maybe, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Surgery was done, the hell of chemo was over and now I just had to focus on radiation, and then towards the end of the year, reconstruction. Not a lot of relief, but somewhat, now that chemo is crossed off the list, and knowing radiation wouldn't kick my butt. Excited to get some energy back and do normal things, like sweep the floor, and do laundry. lol. Like maybe life will go back normal somewhat, and cancer isn't something we'd think about every day anymore.

That's not what happened though. My oncologist ordered a bone scan and CT scan at the end of April, sort of a new baseline to compare to in the future, since chemo is done. I really didn't think much of it. Especially since I'd had scans in Nov, and except for the obvious cancer in my right breast, the scans were good then. I had actually been looking forward to these scans, and hoping they would finally declare me 'NED', which means 'no evidence of disease', since breast cancer technically doesn't go into remission, you're 'NED'.

Anyways, I wasn't worried about the scans, and was totally shocked when my oncologist called me, on my break at work, so talk to me about them. She said my bone scan was clear, but CT scan was not, they found suspicious spots on my right hip area and along my spine. These 'spots' are 1 mm each, lots of them, in those 2 areas. She said they are too small to biopsy, and too small to really show up on any other kinds of scans right now. The spots could be bone marrow changes as a result of the chemo treatments, like the bone marrow situating itself or something, which can sometimes happen, but she said it's not that common. All we can do is wait and do repeat scans. If the spots haven't changed, that's great. Maybe they will just disappear, just go away. If they have grown at all, it's bad news...

Bad news being that the breast cancer may have metastasized to my bones in those areas, meaning stage 4 cancer. Which is a really really depressing, infuriating, unimaginable thought. I was so shocked, I couldn't even process the news after talking to my doctor. I was able to go back to work for the rest of the afternoon, sort of numb for a while. But then I had to tell Steven, and my mama and daddy, my family, friends, etc. With each person I told, it sunk in a little more. I felt so guilty having to tell people. I know none of this is my fault,but I still feel responsible somehow. It hurt to sit and watch my mama ball her eyes out (once again). And even though the news is not confirmed bad news, it's just the thought of these stupid spots being bone mets, its just too hard to deal with. Once it finally hit, I cried for days, on the way to work, in the shower, late at night in bed. I can't even describe how I was feeling those days. So many emotions. Anger for one, sadness, hopelessness, so out of control of my own life. Just not knowing for sure what is going to happen and pissed off at my own body for maybe betraying me once again. Like we could be right back at square one again.

I just cannot settle for anything less than raising my son (well into adulthood!) and growing old with my husband. Nothing less will do! The thought of that being taken away from me, I just can't stomach it. I can't really even put it into words. It's heartbreaking is all I know.

So what I'm holding onto, what is getting me through these days and weeks til my next scan (in about a month from now)...My oncologist did say cancer usually shows up a bone scan before a CT scan, and remember, these spots are on the CT scan. Also, I talked to my radiation oncologist this week and he said he looked over my reports from the scans and 'his radar didn't immediately go off', he said the same thing, that metastasized breast cancer to the bones will almost always show up on a bone scan before a CT, and it would be highly unusual that I would have bone mets at this stage already. So those are all encouraging thoughts, and something I can hold onto until he end of June when I get another scan.

I am in a much better place mentally right now, than I was in the days after this news. I am just (trying) to live in the moment. And not worry about things I can't control. I am praying, and asking God to take care of me.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

He says he knows his plan for me, and that it's for hope and a future. And that to me, means it's his promise I've got a long life ahead of me, right? When the negative thoughts come into my head, I've got to literally push them out, I can't deal with it right now. It's easier to just focus on today.

I'll leave you all with one last good piece of news. I've got peach fuzz on my head. And believe it or not, that is VERY very exciting news :)  I am so ready to have some hair again. When I look back at pictures of myself with hair, I miss it. I feel like I've been bald forever! So I can't wait for this peach fuzz to turn into real hair. :)

Love you all. Thank you for praying for me, and checking on me. I know people say I'm an inspiration..but it's really all the wonderful support from my friends and family that inspires me and keeps me going...

xoxoxo
-Elisha