My Decision

This past week I blogged about the PET scan I had on Wednesday. I talked about my nervousness, my worry, the 'scanxiety' I was feeling. I have not gotten the results back yet, hopefully I will know something sometime on Monday. Wednesday and Thursday I felt very peaceful. My friend took some pictures of Sawyer on Wednesday afternoon and that was a great distraction. Thursday I felt good too.

Friday was a different story. It was just a terrible, awful day. The doubt started creeping in on Thursday evening. I tossed and turned all night. Friday at work was just a very frustrating day. One of those days where nothing seemed to go right, and everyone else was in a bad mood too. My frustrations were amplified by my lack of sleep and the overwhelming (unspoken) burden of waiting for the results, thinking of all the bad possibilities and outcomes.

My thoughts were running wild and the fears were seriously taking over. By the time I got to my mom's to pick up Sawyer in the afternoon, I was in the mist of a full blown melt-down. The kind of crying that's just not pretty, with the tears-snot-shoulders-shaking messiness. My mama, daddy and sister all gathered around me, hugging me, loving me. That helped some, but I couldn't wait to get in bed to somehow try and sleep it off.

I'm ashamed to say Friday was not one of my best moments. I am ashamed to admit my frustrations, fears, and anxiety got the best of me, and I'm sure it showed on the outside. I reached a breaking point, and I probably owe some apologies to a few people. I'm not perfect (and I never will be). I feel like with the Lord's help, I've dealt with this entire situation as best I know how. But there comes a point when a person can only handle so much, and I feel like I reached that point on Friday.

I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 days I've recited Jeremiah 29:11 in my mind. Over & over. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans not to harm you, but to prosper you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Besides reciting that verse, I also keep seeing the healthy, pearly white bones the Lord showed me before my last bone scan. You remember the 'Caress' lotion commercial, with the ribbons of lotion spiraling around some woman's leg? I envisioned bones, with white swirls circling them, making them healthy, whole, new. It might sound weird, but it's what I saw, and I keep picturing those bones, taking it as a promise from the Lord that I'll be ok.

Thankfully, today has been a better day for me. I spent my morning with my sawman. He always cheers me up. His unconditional love for me (even on my grumpy days), his infectious giggle, the way his sweet chubby arms wrap around my neck, how he learns so quick these days, the wonder in his eyes as he discovers new things. I can't get enough of him. He amazes me daily with everything he says, how he remembers stuff! He is such a blessing and I thank God for him all the time. It was a great lazy morning and afternoon, just relaxing.

This evening, I met some girls from nursing school for dinner. I can't believe it's been 2 years since graduation! It was great to reminisce and share our stories of the past 2 years working as nurses. We've come so far and grown so much since we began nursing school back in 2008 (scared and green as can be, I should add).

I shared some of the details of the past 10 months of my life with my friend Heather. (Who is awesome, encouraging and smart as a whip, by the way). I told her about my feelings when I found that lump, seems so long ago, back in October. How I felt, what I was thinking, my reactions, the day they gave me my diagnosis. I was reminded just how far I've come since then.

I shared with her the mental ups and downs I've been through. How the bad days have been terribly bad, but the good days have been awesome.  How this all has brought me so much closer to God. My relationship with him is stronger than it's ever been. I'll say it again, never will I be glad I had cancer. That would be ridiculous. But I am glad I've chosen to draw closer to him. I'm glad my relationships with my husband, my family, my friends have all be strengthened. I'm closer to my husband, my mother, my sisters, my mother in law, my best friend Krissy. I've made new friends. I'm able to see the good in people, I can give the benefit of the doubt in a heartbeat. I think I love deeper. I know I'm more thankful. I'm able to look at the small stuff as the big stuff. I am a better person because of the hell I just lived through. And I can look back and see God's hand on my life the entire time.

The devil is good at what he does. He really is. He came to steal, kill and destroy. He wants to steal my joy, kill my body, destroy my family, my relationships, my life even. I'm happy to tell him, He's a big, fat failure. It's just not going to happen.

My decision is to live my life. Regardless of what the PET scan results are, regardless of what good news or bad news is given to me on Monday. I am going to live for Jesus. I really do give my life to him. I am going to keep on, keeping on. I will be joyful. I will stand by my God. I will keep trying to show his love to others with how I live my life. I will live my entire life thanking God for my family, my blessings. I'm going to live my life praising God until the last breath my body takes.

I don't care if cancer kills me in a year, 10 years, whatever. If I die, I want ya'll to tell people, Yes, she died, but the devil still didn't win.  I refuse to be continually discouraged.  Jesus loves me, he died for my sins, so I could have eternal life. His mercies (thankfully) are new every day. He wants me to be encouraged, uplifted, joyful, thankful, happy. And that's what I'm going to be. The devil may succeed in ruining a few days now and then. But he will not win over my life.

I know there is a plan for me. Jesus has had his eye on my from the very beginning, even when I was just a little peanut, before my birth, in my mama's womb. He had good plans. He has given me a wonderful life, filled with love and amazing people. I have the soul mate I've always dreamed of. I have a beautiful little boy, if I do say so myself. My decision is to enjoy what I've been blessed with, focus on the positive in my life, and keep trying to be the best I can be.

In totally submitting my life to Jesus, I will answer whatever calling is on my life. If I'm to witness through this blog, if I'm to write a book, if I'm just to give others inspiration with my story, whatever it is, I'm going to do it. The devil picked the wrong girl and he seriously underestimated me and he underestimated my God if he thinks what's happening to me is going to ruin me. It's not. I'm not ruined. In fact, I'm stronger and more uplifted than ever.

This post may be a little bit all over the place, and it might be weird to some reading this, but I've got to say, it's from my heart. I am simply refusing to give in and let this mess over take me. I may have rough days, and I know we all do from time to time. But I'm making the decision to praise God and be thankful regardless of my circumstance.

I'm deciding to put all my trust and faith in the Lord, it's the safest place I can be.
I'm continuing to work on my to-do list, making progress with baby steps. I'll post more next week.

Love you all
-E