Tidbit #1
My last post (2 months ago) was about my PET scan. I found out the results the day after I posted that last blog. The scan was clean! I'm sure most of you already know this, but just in case, there it is in black and white! It's a relief that words would fail to explain, so I'm not even going to try.
Thank you Jesus is all.
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Tidbit #2
At the end of August, we went on a beach trip to Delaware with Little Pink Houses of Hope. Little Pink is an organization that offers free week-long retreats for breast cancer survivors/patients and their families. Me, Steven, Sawyer and my mom had a really great time. Bethany Beach, DE is a beautiful town and was the perfect spot for a retreat. We meet some really awesome, inspiring ladies and their wonderful families.
(Our van broke down on the way up there and we ended up spending some 'quality family time' in a station gas in Melfa, Virginia, for about 4 hours, then had to have the van towed the 2 hours to Bethany, and have the water pump replaced, but that's another story for another time. lol)
Minus the van troubles, the week was amazing! We enjoyed time on the beach, playing in the sand, lots of great food, makeovers, date night, good conversations and quality time with the other families and volunteers, my absolute favorite: stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, lounging, laughing, and of course napping. It was a special trip to say the least. Thank you Jeanine, our volunteers, the donors and Little Pink Houses of Hope :) Love you all and the love of Christ you spread through your ministry and through the lives you lead. More pictures to come soon!
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Tidbit #3
DISCLAIMER- If you are not interested in reading about my options as far as breast reconstruction, you've been warned, skip right ahead to #4! :)
We met with a plastic surgeon in early September for a reconstruction consultation (say that 5 times really fast! lol). We had been trying to find a good doctor, with a trusted reputation, that we also felt some sort of a connection with. This guy came with some good recommendations and we felt lead to meet with him. He works out of Baptist and we liked him right away. (At the time, I just didn't like anything he had to say, unfortunately, more about that in a minute).
We went to this appointment knowing the skin on my right chest area was a problem, unable to support any sort of breast mound on it's own. Damaged by surgery and then radiation, thus, it would need to be replaced somehow with tissue from another part of my body.
Option # 1- Latisimus Dorsi Flap Procedure and Implants.....A lat flap is a tissue flap procedure that uses muscle and skin from the upper back to create a new breast mound. The skin is replaced during surgery, tissue expanders are put in, expanders then later switched for implants, leaving the patient (me!) with an almost natural shape. (Going into this appointment, we thought this was the option for us, and we had been looking forward to hopefully scheduling it this fall, my plan was to leave the appt. with a surgery date in hand.)
After doing a physical exam and listening my story, he advised against option #1. Basing this on many reasons, with implants there is a higher risk of infection/hospital stay/IV antibiotics/ all could possibly lead to implants that have to be removed (after all that surgery to place them), the fact that implants are not always a permanent solution, usually needing some additional surgery or even replacement in 10-15 years. Implants can break, causing the fluid inside to leak. Implants don't always look the best on 'curvy' girls. Another complication, capsular contractures, which are painful and not pretty. And his list went on and on....
He told us most women tend to be happier with their outcome if they choose to use their own tissue exclusively for reconstruction (minus any implants), and women who do choose implants for reconstruction usually wish they had chose a different option.
Leading me to Option #2: The TRAM flap (transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous) is a tissue flap procedure that uses muscle, fat and skin from the abdomen to create a new breast mound after a mastectomy. Surprisingly, the dr. said there is not enough (mushy) fat on the back of my upper thighs to use as tissue for reconstruction. But not surprisingly, there is plenty of tissue in my tummy area to use. This procedure is wonderful in that you get a mini-tummy tuck as well as new breasts that look and feel very natural, and actually are all natural, made from your own body, no foreign objects/implants, etc. The down side is, your incision is from one side of your abdomen all the way to the other. It's not the thought of another scar that bothers me at all, it's the fact your muscle is cut, weakening your abdominal wall.
That being said, baby fever has hit me full force. Skip ahead a couple years, take a weakened abdominal wall add in another (9lb 3 oz. bundle of joy) in that same tummy...this doesn't sound like too much fun to me. In fact, the doctor advised against just that. He says if I were his family member/sister/wife, etc, he would have me to wait the recommended time to have another baby after chemo= a year or two, have my baby #2, then come back for reconstruction. As in years. Years. 2 or 3... or 4 more years without boobs (pardon my language).
I know it may sound trivial...after all, I'm alive! I have clean scans! All is well! But back in Sept, this was really devastating to me. I had built up this reconstruction as the final step, one last little mountain to climb and I'd feel more like the old me, and look more like the old me, like a whole person again. A whole woman again.
But the dr. recommended we wait until after baby #2. My oncologist recommends we wait 2-3 years for baby #2. So according to their timetable, maybe by 2015 I could possibly need a bra again :(
These are, of course, his opinions based on his experiences with his patients, and may differ from other doctors, other breast cancer patients' experiences. But I really trust this surgeon. He seemed open, honest, knowledgeable and trustworthy, so after some thought, we are leaning towards going with his recommendations. When I first heard all this from him, I was so upset and disappointed. Now, I'm more at a place of choosing to take this as God's way of saying "not now". I've accepted and made peace with it. 'Not now' doesn't mean never, so I'm just going to accept it and move on to other things.
Like daydreaming about my future 9lb. 3oz. bundle of joy :)
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Tidbit #4
I had my port taken out on the 2nd. It was a little more involved than I thought. I was awake for the whole procedure, despite the IV versed and dilaudid. The port was encapsulated in scar tissue, so my surgeon sort of had to dig around and work to get the thing out. Then he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to see if before they threw it away- no thanks! lol. The area was very sore for over a week. But it's thankfully all healed up now. One more thing I can mark off on my list of 'getting me back to normal' :)
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Today marks 1 year since I found 'my lump'. 10-22-11. The past 12 months have been emotional, devastating, incredibly tough and somehow enlightening, strengthening even. The year has managed to creep by and fly by at the same time. 12 months have passed, 52 weeks....but it feels like so much longer. Like it's really been dog years...more like 7 years or something crammed into 1 loooong year. I can't even wrap my head around what all has happened and all the things I've seen, emotions I've felt, things I've learned. It's just unbelievable is all I know.
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Tidbit #6
Another anniversary, this one a bit happier, Wednesday of this week will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I honestly feel like we have been married for at least a decade. I don't mean this one in a bad way. I know you say in your vows, "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health", and all that good stuff...and when you say it, you mean it. But I certainly didn't think we'd have to prove it all within the first few years of marriage! Our marriage has been tested in ways I never dreamed when I said I do on a beautiful autumn afternoon in Gatlinburg, Tennessee 3 years ago, in a pretty chapel surrounded by our families. I knew I loved him then, but after the past year, I know without a doubt, my hubs is a gift straight from heaven to me. (that I don't at all deserve either). I don't say this to blow up his ego either, b/c I know he'll probably read this later, but it's true. Steven- I still want you to work on that honey-do-list and take out the trash ok! :)
I'm not saying we have the perfect marriage, far from it I'm sure. We have ups and downs, (sometimes more downs than ups)... But I am just thankful we have each other, thankful we've made it this far, and we are continuing to grow as a couple. Our family has also grown +1 in the last 3 years, couldn't imagine our life without our awesome little man. And we are learning to say 'I'm sorry" faster and forgive quicker. (I think that's a major accomplishment in itself!)
Love you honey! Here's to 50 more!
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Tidbit #7
I've been crafting up a storm! I don't know what's gotten into me, but I've been having a lot of fun making stuff lately. So much so, my 1.75 year old (hey, he's not 2 yet!) can say "Hobby Lobby"! I've mostly made some wall plaques, Christmas ornaments, and a few other random things. Like my sister-in-law told me.... "cheaper than therapy".
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Final Tidbit, #8
While there are lots of things going on right now and much to be thankful, my heart is heavy with the burdens and struggles of those around me. I'm not going to get into a lot of details but marriages are struggling, falling apart. A family is mourning the passing of a loved one. People are battling diseases and other physical ailments. Other families are struggling to adjust to changes. People are afraid to let old habits die. Mothers/sisters/friends are worried about other mothers/sisters/friends/children and their struggles. Many are worried about finances, housing needs, etc. It's a time to really buckle down and pray for our loved ones. Sometimes our burdens are too heavy to carry alone. There is only one way to handle these struggles and that's to take them to Jesus.
Dear Lord, I ask you to please touch those suffering around me. You know each and every worry, each and every burden. Protect the little ones who can't look after themselves. Please ease the minds of my loved ones, there are so many, who need some relief. Put peace in their hearts. Send them answers, send them help, send some a way out. Touch their lives as only you can. Please pour out your love, healings and blessings. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
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If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Next one will be shorter I promise!
xoxo-
Elisha
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