8 tidbits for your reading enjoyment...

Tidbit #1
My last post (2 months ago) was about my PET scan. I found out the results the day after I posted that last blog.  The scan was clean! I'm sure most of you already know this, but just in case, there it is in black and white! It's a relief that words would fail to explain, so I'm not even going to try.

Thank you Jesus is all.

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Tidbit #2
At the end of August, we went on a beach trip to Delaware with Little Pink Houses of Hope. Little Pink is an organization that offers free week-long retreats for breast cancer survivors/patients and their families. Me, Steven, Sawyer and my mom had a really great time. Bethany Beach, DE is a beautiful town and was the perfect spot for a retreat. We meet some really awesome, inspiring ladies and their wonderful families.

(Our van broke down on the way up there and we ended up spending some 'quality family time' in a station gas in Melfa, Virginia, for about 4 hours, then had to have the van towed the 2 hours to Bethany, and have the water pump replaced, but that's another story for another time. lol)

Minus the van troubles, the week was amazing! We enjoyed time on the beach, playing in the sand, lots of great food, makeovers, date night, good conversations and quality time with the other families and volunteers, my absolute favorite: stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, lounging, laughing, and of course napping. It was a special trip to say the least. Thank you Jeanine, our volunteers, the donors and Little Pink Houses of Hope :) Love you all and the love of Christ you spread through your ministry and through the lives you lead.  More pictures to come soon!

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Tidbit #3
DISCLAIMER- If you are not interested in reading about my options as far as breast reconstruction, you've been warned, skip right ahead to #4!  :)

We met with a plastic surgeon in early September for a reconstruction consultation (say that 5 times really fast! lol). We had been trying to find a good doctor, with a trusted reputation, that we also felt some sort of a connection with. This guy came with some good recommendations and we felt lead to meet with him.  He works out of Baptist and we liked him right away. (At the time, I just didn't like anything he had to say, unfortunately, more about that in a minute).

We went to this appointment knowing the skin on my right chest area was a problem, unable to support any sort of breast mound on it's own. Damaged by surgery and then radiation, thus, it would need to be replaced somehow with tissue from another part of my body.

Option # 1- Latisimus Dorsi Flap Procedure and Implants.....A lat flap is a tissue flap procedure that uses muscle and skin from the upper back to create a new breast mound. The skin is replaced during surgery, tissue expanders are put in, expanders then later switched for implants, leaving the patient (me!) with an almost natural shape. (Going into this appointment, we thought this was the option for us, and we had been looking forward to hopefully scheduling it this fall, my plan was to leave the appt. with a surgery date in hand.)

After doing a physical exam and listening my story, he advised against option #1. Basing this on many reasons, with implants there is a higher risk of infection/hospital stay/IV antibiotics/ all could possibly lead to implants that have to be removed (after all that surgery to place them), the fact that implants are not always a permanent solution, usually needing some additional surgery or even replacement in 10-15 years. Implants can break, causing the fluid inside to leak. Implants don't always look the best on 'curvy' girls. Another complication, capsular contractures, which are painful and not pretty. And his list went on and on....

He told us most women tend to be happier with their outcome if they choose to use their own tissue exclusively for reconstruction (minus any implants), and women who do choose implants for reconstruction usually wish they had chose a different option.

Leading me to Option #2: The TRAM flap (transverse rectus abdominus myocutaneous) is a tissue flap procedure that uses muscle, fat and skin from the abdomen to create a new breast mound after a mastectomy. Surprisingly, the dr. said there is not enough (mushy) fat on the back of my upper thighs to use as tissue for reconstruction. But not surprisingly, there is plenty of tissue in my tummy area to use. This procedure is wonderful in that you get a mini-tummy tuck as well as new breasts that look and feel very natural, and actually are all natural, made from your own body, no foreign objects/implants, etc. The down side is, your incision is from one side of your abdomen all the way to the other. It's not the thought of another scar that bothers me at all, it's the fact your muscle is cut, weakening your abdominal wall.

That being said, baby fever has hit me full force. Skip ahead a couple years, take a weakened abdominal wall add in another (9lb 3 oz. bundle of joy) in that same tummy...this doesn't sound like too much fun to me. In fact, the doctor advised against just that. He says if I were his family member/sister/wife, etc, he would have me to wait the recommended time to have another baby after chemo= a year or two, have my baby #2, then come back for reconstruction. As in years. Years. 2 or 3... or 4 more years without boobs (pardon my language).

I know it may sound trivial...after all, I'm alive! I have clean scans! All is well! But back in Sept, this was really devastating to me. I had built up this reconstruction as the final step, one last little mountain to climb and I'd feel more like the old me, and look more like the old me, like a whole person again. A whole woman again.

But the dr. recommended we wait until after baby #2. My oncologist recommends we wait 2-3 years for baby #2. So according to their timetable, maybe by 2015 I could possibly need a bra again :(

These are, of course, his opinions based on his experiences with his patients, and may differ from other doctors, other breast cancer patients' experiences. But I really trust this surgeon. He seemed open, honest, knowledgeable and trustworthy, so after some thought, we are leaning towards going with his recommendations. When I first heard all this from him, I was so upset and disappointed. Now, I'm more at a place of choosing to take this as God's way of saying "not now". I've accepted and made peace with it. 'Not now' doesn't mean never, so I'm just going to accept it and move on to other things.

Like daydreaming about my future 9lb. 3oz. bundle of joy :)

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Tidbit #4
I had my port taken out on the 2nd. It was a little more involved than I thought. I was awake for the whole procedure, despite the IV versed and dilaudid. The port was encapsulated in scar tissue, so my surgeon sort of had to dig around and work to get the thing out. Then he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to see if before they threw it away- no thanks! lol. The area was very sore for over a week. But it's thankfully all healed up now. One more thing I can mark off on my list of 'getting me back to normal' :)

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Tidbit #5
Today marks 1 year since I found 'my lump'. 10-22-11. The past 12 months have been emotional, devastating, incredibly tough and somehow enlightening, strengthening even. The year has managed to creep by and fly by at the same time. 12 months have passed, 52 weeks....but it feels like so much longer. Like it's really been dog years...more like 7 years or something crammed into 1 loooong year. I can't even wrap my head around what all has happened and all the things I've seen, emotions I've felt, things I've learned. It's just unbelievable is all I know.

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Tidbit #6
Another anniversary, this one a bit happier, Wednesday of this week will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I honestly feel like we have been married for at least a decade. I don't mean this one in a bad way. I know you say in your vows, "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health", and all that good stuff...and when you say it, you mean it. But I certainly didn't think we'd have to prove it all within the first few years of marriage! Our marriage has been tested in ways I never dreamed when I said I do on a beautiful autumn afternoon in Gatlinburg, Tennessee 3 years ago, in a pretty chapel surrounded by our families. I knew I loved him then, but after the past year, I know without a doubt, my hubs is a gift straight from heaven to me. (that I don't at all deserve either). I don't say this to blow up his ego either, b/c I know he'll probably read this later, but it's true. Steven- I still want you to work on that honey-do-list and take out the trash ok! :)

I'm not saying we have the perfect marriage, far from it I'm sure. We have ups and downs, (sometimes more downs than ups)... But I am just thankful we have each other, thankful we've made it this far, and we are continuing to grow as a couple. Our family has also grown +1 in the last 3 years, couldn't imagine our life without our awesome little man. And we are learning to say 'I'm sorry" faster and forgive quicker. (I think that's a major accomplishment in itself!)

Love you honey! Here's to 50 more!

 

 

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Tidbit #7
I've been crafting up a storm! I don't know what's gotten into me, but I've been having a lot of fun making stuff lately. So much so, my 1.75 year old (hey, he's not 2 yet!) can say "Hobby Lobby"! I've mostly made some wall plaques, Christmas ornaments, and a few other random things. Like my sister-in-law told me.... "cheaper than therapy".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Final Tidbit,  #8

While there are lots of things going on right now and much to be thankful, my heart is heavy with the burdens and struggles of those around me. I'm not going to get into a lot of details but marriages are struggling, falling apart. A family is mourning the passing of a loved one. People are battling diseases and other physical ailments. Other families are struggling to adjust to changes. People are afraid to let old habits die. Mothers/sisters/friends are worried about other mothers/sisters/friends/children and their struggles. Many are worried about finances, housing needs, etc. It's a time to really buckle down and pray for our loved ones. Sometimes our burdens are too heavy to carry alone. There is only one way to handle these struggles and that's to take them to Jesus.

 

Dear Lord, I ask you to please touch those suffering around me. You know each and every worry, each and every burden. Protect the little ones who can't look after themselves. Please ease the minds of my loved ones, there are so many, who need some relief. Put peace in their hearts. Send them answers, send them help, send some a way out. Touch their lives as only you can. Please pour out your love, healings and blessings. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

 

 

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If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Next one will be shorter I promise!

 

xoxo-

Elisha 

My Decision

This past week I blogged about the PET scan I had on Wednesday. I talked about my nervousness, my worry, the 'scanxiety' I was feeling. I have not gotten the results back yet, hopefully I will know something sometime on Monday. Wednesday and Thursday I felt very peaceful. My friend took some pictures of Sawyer on Wednesday afternoon and that was a great distraction. Thursday I felt good too.

Friday was a different story. It was just a terrible, awful day. The doubt started creeping in on Thursday evening. I tossed and turned all night. Friday at work was just a very frustrating day. One of those days where nothing seemed to go right, and everyone else was in a bad mood too. My frustrations were amplified by my lack of sleep and the overwhelming (unspoken) burden of waiting for the results, thinking of all the bad possibilities and outcomes.

My thoughts were running wild and the fears were seriously taking over. By the time I got to my mom's to pick up Sawyer in the afternoon, I was in the mist of a full blown melt-down. The kind of crying that's just not pretty, with the tears-snot-shoulders-shaking messiness. My mama, daddy and sister all gathered around me, hugging me, loving me. That helped some, but I couldn't wait to get in bed to somehow try and sleep it off.

I'm ashamed to say Friday was not one of my best moments. I am ashamed to admit my frustrations, fears, and anxiety got the best of me, and I'm sure it showed on the outside. I reached a breaking point, and I probably owe some apologies to a few people. I'm not perfect (and I never will be). I feel like with the Lord's help, I've dealt with this entire situation as best I know how. But there comes a point when a person can only handle so much, and I feel like I reached that point on Friday.

I can't tell you how many times in the past 4 days I've recited Jeremiah 29:11 in my mind. Over & over. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans not to harm you, but to prosper you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Besides reciting that verse, I also keep seeing the healthy, pearly white bones the Lord showed me before my last bone scan. You remember the 'Caress' lotion commercial, with the ribbons of lotion spiraling around some woman's leg? I envisioned bones, with white swirls circling them, making them healthy, whole, new. It might sound weird, but it's what I saw, and I keep picturing those bones, taking it as a promise from the Lord that I'll be ok.

Thankfully, today has been a better day for me. I spent my morning with my sawman. He always cheers me up. His unconditional love for me (even on my grumpy days), his infectious giggle, the way his sweet chubby arms wrap around my neck, how he learns so quick these days, the wonder in his eyes as he discovers new things. I can't get enough of him. He amazes me daily with everything he says, how he remembers stuff! He is such a blessing and I thank God for him all the time. It was a great lazy morning and afternoon, just relaxing.

This evening, I met some girls from nursing school for dinner. I can't believe it's been 2 years since graduation! It was great to reminisce and share our stories of the past 2 years working as nurses. We've come so far and grown so much since we began nursing school back in 2008 (scared and green as can be, I should add).

I shared some of the details of the past 10 months of my life with my friend Heather. (Who is awesome, encouraging and smart as a whip, by the way). I told her about my feelings when I found that lump, seems so long ago, back in October. How I felt, what I was thinking, my reactions, the day they gave me my diagnosis. I was reminded just how far I've come since then.

I shared with her the mental ups and downs I've been through. How the bad days have been terribly bad, but the good days have been awesome.  How this all has brought me so much closer to God. My relationship with him is stronger than it's ever been. I'll say it again, never will I be glad I had cancer. That would be ridiculous. But I am glad I've chosen to draw closer to him. I'm glad my relationships with my husband, my family, my friends have all be strengthened. I'm closer to my husband, my mother, my sisters, my mother in law, my best friend Krissy. I've made new friends. I'm able to see the good in people, I can give the benefit of the doubt in a heartbeat. I think I love deeper. I know I'm more thankful. I'm able to look at the small stuff as the big stuff. I am a better person because of the hell I just lived through. And I can look back and see God's hand on my life the entire time.

The devil is good at what he does. He really is. He came to steal, kill and destroy. He wants to steal my joy, kill my body, destroy my family, my relationships, my life even. I'm happy to tell him, He's a big, fat failure. It's just not going to happen.

My decision is to live my life. Regardless of what the PET scan results are, regardless of what good news or bad news is given to me on Monday. I am going to live for Jesus. I really do give my life to him. I am going to keep on, keeping on. I will be joyful. I will stand by my God. I will keep trying to show his love to others with how I live my life. I will live my entire life thanking God for my family, my blessings. I'm going to live my life praising God until the last breath my body takes.

I don't care if cancer kills me in a year, 10 years, whatever. If I die, I want ya'll to tell people, Yes, she died, but the devil still didn't win.  I refuse to be continually discouraged.  Jesus loves me, he died for my sins, so I could have eternal life. His mercies (thankfully) are new every day. He wants me to be encouraged, uplifted, joyful, thankful, happy. And that's what I'm going to be. The devil may succeed in ruining a few days now and then. But he will not win over my life.

I know there is a plan for me. Jesus has had his eye on my from the very beginning, even when I was just a little peanut, before my birth, in my mama's womb. He had good plans. He has given me a wonderful life, filled with love and amazing people. I have the soul mate I've always dreamed of. I have a beautiful little boy, if I do say so myself. My decision is to enjoy what I've been blessed with, focus on the positive in my life, and keep trying to be the best I can be.

In totally submitting my life to Jesus, I will answer whatever calling is on my life. If I'm to witness through this blog, if I'm to write a book, if I'm just to give others inspiration with my story, whatever it is, I'm going to do it. The devil picked the wrong girl and he seriously underestimated me and he underestimated my God if he thinks what's happening to me is going to ruin me. It's not. I'm not ruined. In fact, I'm stronger and more uplifted than ever.

This post may be a little bit all over the place, and it might be weird to some reading this, but I've got to say, it's from my heart. I am simply refusing to give in and let this mess over take me. I may have rough days, and I know we all do from time to time. But I'm making the decision to praise God and be thankful regardless of my circumstance.

I'm deciding to put all my trust and faith in the Lord, it's the safest place I can be.
I'm continuing to work on my to-do list, making progress with baby steps. I'll post more next week.

Love you all
-E

Scanxiety

I have a PET scan scheduled for Wednesday. This is the last scan I should need. After this, I will be on a regular schedule to see my oncologist for lab work and plain 'ol check-ups. Unless I have symptoms, pain, etc, there will be no more scans in the future, which will be fine by me.

Because knowing this scan is coming up is giving me a major case of scanxiety. I can feel it coming on. It's a feeling way down deep in the pit of my stomach. It's like a giant ball of dread. Just sitting there.

I can't wait for my Doc to call me up and tell me everything is ok, I need to hear the 'all clear', I'm ready to hear it. I want the report in my hands, I want to be able to post it up on my fridge, just like i did with the bone scan a while back. I want to fold the report up and carry it around with me in my pocket, take it out, look at it, make sure it still says the same thing.

"No evidence of metastatic disease"

My heart and my mind have been at peace, they really have.  I honestly 100% believe I am cancer-free. These last few weeks have been great. I've woke up every day, and cancer is not the first thing that pops into my head. I've went hours and hours without thinking of cancer. Which is great! I've been able to focus on other things lately. I've been exercising, and working on a better diet.  It's been nice for our lives to finally not revolve around cancer! I've actually been somewhat relaxed. I'm thinking the black cloud has finally moved on...

Which is why I'm worried. Every time in the past that I've had a scan, or a test, and wasn't worried, it was always bad news, that slapped me upside the face, because I wasn't expecting it. So the fact that I'm not worried is what's worrying me. I know that sounds complicated, but nothing about this journey has been simple, and explaining how I feel most of the time is certainly not simple either.

The other day, I was having those feelings again, I told ya'll about them, totally bummed out for a while about my hair, and the way I look, just wishing time to go faster. I came across these bible verses... (I just felt sort of directed to them, which never happens)

2 Timothy 4:7-8
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Finally there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only, but all who have loved his appearing. 

I feel like this may be confirmation that this season of my life is over. I've fought the good fight, and won! I finished, and kept my faith close to my heart, (literally) hanging onto Jesus for dear life the whole time. (My hair being short is like my battle scar, and I've just got to wear it proudly for a while.)

I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for an awesome report that will confirm the cancer is totally gone.

Please say a little pray for me this week if you think about it.

My Confession

Our preacher talks about how he is constantly asking God to show him the areas in his life that need work, to search out his heart and point out anything that is not pleasing to God. Well, I know I have a ton of things to work on. But I realized this week one of my biggest problems.

I am lazy.

There. I said it. That's my problem.

That's why I hardly ever cook for my family. That's why I hardly ever go outside and play with Sawyer. That's why there is always too much laundry to do. Why the floors always need cleaning. It's why I don't spend more quiet time with God. It's why my nephew Isaiah told me yesterday my toilet was dirty. It's why I don't read the bible everyday. It's why I don't exercise. And why I can't seem to be on time anywhere I go! It's why I write to-do list that don't get done.

I am lazy.

Life is so overwhelming sometimes. And I can find an excuse or a way to justify just about anything, as far as why I'm doing or not doing something.

• Exercise: I'm too tired, I don't have my stamina back yet (and going to the gym takes too much time)
• Cooking for my family: my mother-in-law will cook tonight I bet, let's just go next door and keep them company (no need to waste their leftovers!)
• Reading the bible: well, I'll do it in a little while, or tomorrow (or after I play this one game of Draw Something)
• Playing outside with sawyer: It's just too dag-on hot and I'd probably sweat. (And you know I don't like to sweat)
• The awful diet I eat: it just tastes so good, and I've been through so much, food makes me feel good (and I deserve this 8th Oreo, right!?)

And I realized it's not just a bad habit or a small little problem, it's actually displeasing to God for me to be this way. And instead of just feeling like a failure, in not getting done what I want to get done, I'm going to make a plan, and try and stick to it.

I've got to kick the 'lazy me' to the curb. And trust me, she doesn't want to go anywhere or make too many changes. She is completely content, just hanging out, watching Sawyer run around and be silly (inside, where the A/C is!). She likes playing games on her phone, and doing laundry only every other day, and waiting a week to actually put up the clean laundry, and never making the bed. She likes her mother in laws cookin. She likes sleeping in, waking up with barely enough time to take a shower and throw a poptart in her bag, almost always making it somewhere at the very last minute. She likes oreos. And loves fried food.

But she also wants to be the best mother, wife, friend, daughter, child of God she can be. She loves her family, and Jesus. She wants to be healthy, and live a long life. She wants a closer walk with the Lord. She wants to show others the love of God through her daily life. And to do that, things have to change.

 So here is my new to-do list:

• (Stop with the laziness already Elisha!)
• Start my day off with prayer, even a short one is better than none
• Do my daily devotional
• Read my bible daily
• Stop gossiping
• If I don't have something nice to say....don't say it!
• Work on my attitude, be flexible, be positive
• Stop complaining
• Treat others how I want to be treated
• Spend more quality time with Sawyer (outside if that's what he wants)
• Keep my house in better order
• Get to work, church, doctor appts on time (or early!)
• Take my vitamins everyday
• Exercise 3-5 times a week, a walk is better than nothing!
• Look into joining the Y
• Drink more water and less soda
• Eat more fruits and vegetables- work towards 5 cups a day
• Eat less red meat
• Do more low fat options
• Try Mandi's spinach/apple smoothie- she says its really good, we'll see :)
• Try the green tea my doc recommended
• Spend less money, be more aware of what I'm spending

I've just got to be more diligent. I've got to get some things together. I know I'll never be perfect, none of us will! But If I'm not working on a better me, then what am I doing. I don't always want to be in the same place I'm in now. Emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually. I fully believe with all my heart that God has a plan for my life. I believe he has something great planned for me. I don't want anything holding me back. And I just have this one life to live, so I need to give it my all. I want all the blessings the Lord has in store for me.

This song has been stuck in my head for a few days.
Matthew West
"The Motions"

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

This is just what's been on my heart for a couple weeks now, and maybe me putting this out there for all to read will make me more accountable. Maybe it will touch someone feeling the same things.

Hope ya'll have a great week!!

Love,

Elisha

Meltdown City

It all started innocent enough. Last night I was looking through some pictures from the last year or so. I was inspired by my visit earlier in the week to my friend Kellie's house. She is so organized and on the ball. I seriously wish I had her kind of drive and organizational skills. She was talking about all the projects she wants to do soon, to get even more organized. So, she motivated me in turn, to go through my pictures from the last year and work on an order to send to walgreens.com., to get some prints made.

That's when it happened. I ran across a picture I don't remember ever seeing before. I think my cousin Chrissy may have taken it last summer (pre-diagnosis).  Here it is:

Nothing special right. Sawyer even has a weird look on his face, I'm wearing a plain 'ol t-shirt. Cute picture, but nothing particularly spectacular. But something about it sent me 'into orbit', as my mother-in-law says. When I came across it, I stopped and just looked at it for a few minutes. Slowly, my eyes filled with tears, and then those tears were streaming down my face. After a few minutes, I was just about sobbing.

I look so genuinely happy there on the beach with my little guy. Carefree even. I have hair. I have all my body parts intact. I know I'm not a supermodel by any means, but I look so good in this picture. Good as in healthy, happy, content, free. The girl in this picture knows nothing of the struggles ahead, no clue that her life is about to be turned upside down. (I wish I could go back and give her a heads-up, some kind of warning, Honey-hang on tight, the ride is about to get really bumpy). When I look at this picture, I feel a real sadness in knowing this girl doesn't exist anymore. I feel like that carefree attitude may never come my way again. The girl in the picture has totally disappeared. I know it's not true, I know it, but sometimes the thoughts creep in that I'm like half a person. Emotionally, physically, broken in half by what the devil has taken from me. Like your favorite bowl that got chipped and the missing piece is never to be found again. The bowl might still be cute, but it's always going to be missing that little peice. Imperfect, but able to maintain it's use.

The girl in the picture is gone, for good I know,  and sometimes I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the girl left staring back at me. My hair is growing in, but still really really short. It's exciting and exhausting all at the same time. By exhausting I mean, my head and my hair are a constant discussion with everybody: friends, family, strangers even. I know people are genuinely happy for me, and just want to talk and share that excitement with me. Heck, I'm excited too. But I think part of my meltdown last night had to do with always trying to give off the vibe that I am confident and strong and feeling good, etc.

People say I look great, and that is sweet for everyone to say. But the fact is, I am still not at all comfortable with how I look. Somewhere deep down inside of me, I feel awkward and weird and unpretty, if that's a word. I can't help it. All it takes is a weird look from somebody in the grocery store, or the gas station, and I get so self-conscience. I asked a man in Walmart the other day if I could reach behind his buggy to get some Honeycomb, his reply was "Sure, yes sir". Thanks Buddy, that's just great. It takes a lot to be nonchalant about being practically bald.  It's not a pity party either. I think I want so badly to feel like I did about myself before cancer and it's just not going to happen. Things are different, and as a result, I feel different.

After I had my emotional breakdown, I got in bed to relax and started reading a book my mama gave me by Beth Moore. Right there in the front was this passage:

I waited patiently for the Lord,

he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord.

- Psalm 40:1-3

I might have been in that pit, back when I was diagnosed and going through treatment, but he pulled me right out of it. I might have been feeling a little down last night, which is OK, but this passage pulled me up again. I guess life will always have it's ups and downs, no matter what. I just hope that what ever happens in the future, I will always be able to find a place of peace, which is where the Lord wants me to be.

I don't mean for this entry to be a downer. I really don't. Overall, I am still happy about where I am right now, but sometimes, you just have to feel what you feel and go with it. Sometimes it involves having a small (or medium-sized) emotional breakdown, but that's OK. As long as I don't dwell there with those thoughts and let them overtake me.

I'm sharing this very personal stuff, and I know it's OK to do so, because my sweet friend Marci also has a blog and has been very brave lately in putting her struggles out for the world to see. If she's brave enough to do it, I can be too. Maybe my private thoughts will help someone else, as her thoughts have helped me.

Thank you to everyone who still includes me in their prayers. It means the world.

Love ya'll,
Elisha

Mama and Mountains

My mama told me right after I was diagnosed with cancer that God could turn the situation into something beautiful, that something good could come from it. I was so mad at her for saying that. I was just diagnosed with cancer! At 29, I just had my 2nd wedding anniversary and my little boy was about to turn one. I felt I had just been handed a death sentence and here she was saying something so annoying and absurd. How could she be so insensitive, I wondered. Surgery, chemotherapy and radiation were these 3 huge mountains looming in front of me, I didn't see how in the world I would ever get through all of it. I thought, she totally doesn't understand me or what I'm going through at all. I couldn't care less what good comes from it!! I just want the nightmare to be over and go back to living my life how it was before.  It just wasn't fair, and frankly, I didn't want to be the shining example of how God can turn ashes to beauty, let someone else have this battle and their beauty and ashes and all that, I just want my life back! I didn't want the plan I had for my life to be disrupted. I was so mad at my mom for those crazy comments, I was mad at God, and mad at the world, to be honest.

Regardless how bitter I was, I was still faced with the reality I had to deal with the cancer, and I was resolved, for lack of a better word, resolved to the treatment plan my oncologist decided on.  Like it or not, this was my cross to bear. 8 months later, I'm not going to sit here and tell you any of those 3 mountains were easy to climb. They certainly were not.

In fact, the day of my surgery was the worst day of my entire life. I was honestly scared beyond words. It didn't seem fair that at 29, I was about to go into a surgery to lose both my breasts, because a biopsy showed some stupid cells in my body called cancer were wrecking havoc. It was a terrifying few minutes before they finally gave me the meds to help sedate me and finally put me under for surgery. Some survivors I've talked to said their surgery day was good for them, it enpowered them, there were ready for it and excited to get the majority of cancer out of their body. That wasn't the case for me. I was terrified of the surgery, terrified of waking up without my breasts, terrified of the cancer period.

Chemo wasn't easy either. I had 6 treatments total. 1st one wasn't so bad. 2nd one a little bit tougher, and by the 3rd I was so completely wiped out that even giving Sawyer a bath was a chore. By treatment 5 and 6, I felt like half a person, running on empty, everything I did was because I made myself, not because I had the energy or because I wanted to. And the chemo meds to save my life cost me a price, my hair. So there I was, with my extreme fatigue, bald-headed, boob-less, with one last hurdle still ahead, radiation.

I have to say, of the 3 mountains, radiation was by far the easiest. There were a couple weeks I had to take Tylenol for the pain every day. My skin was burned, as one would expect from radiation. It looked gross, felt gross, was gross. I was embarassed every day I had to take my shirt off in front of the radiation techs. I know the techs are used to seeing it, but it was still a very humbling experience. And I had to drive to High Point from Denton everyday, M-F for 33 treatments. Although the easier part of treatment, it was still a pain.

I point out all the challenges and terrible things about the '3 mountains', to finally say, my Mama was right.  I realized it today. I'm not saying I'm glad I had cancer, that would be really weird. But I am glad for the darker days I went through because I'm coming out cleaner on the other end. I do believe, with all my heart, the cancer has strenghtened my character, taught me to be more grateful, I see the small things in life are really the big things. I also have realized that God is ever faithful, and he never left my side. I look back and I can see his hand in every part of my treatment, from diagnosis, all the way to right now. Here are just some of the ways God was with me, looking out for me, and even blessing me during the past 8 months....

• I found a lump in my right breast, on a Saturday, 2 days before our 2nd wedding anniversary. I told Steven about it that night. We were worried, but not that worried. I told Steven I would wait a couple weeks and if it was still there, I'd call my doctor. Sunday left me with a nagging feeling that I shouldn't wait, and I made an appt for the early part of the week. That 'nagging' was the Holy Spirit, looking out for me, telling me, don't delay!
• That same week, my mammogram and ultrasound were normal, despite the obvious palpable lump. The radiologist who read those tests recommended I just come back in 3 months for a follow-up. He sent the report to my gynocologist. She was not satisfied with that recommendation at all, and sent me to a breast surgeon for further evaluation. Again, I was being looked after...3 months would have been way too long to wait, with the aggressive, fast growing nature of the cancer I had.
• The breast surgeon gave us 2 options. #1 stop my birth control pills & come back in 6 weeks, if the lump is gone, it was most likely a fibroadenoma, a benign lump, problem solved. #2, do a biopsy that very day, get results in a week, know for sure what we are dealing with. Steven was the one who made the decision to do a biopsy. Again, the Holy Spirit was looking out for me, working through my husband.
• Once the cancer diagnosis was made, every doctor we talked to recommended a unilateral mastectomy (one-sided). The MRI showed no evidence of any cancer in my left breast at all. So my surgeon, oncologist and gynecologist all told us it would be best option to just do one side, easier recovery, no need to borrow trouble, so to speak. Still,  I felt this 'nagging' feeling, a strong intuition that a bilateral mastectomy may be the way to go. After thinking on it for 2 days, I had no doubt in my mind, we're doing both. I was 100% sure. The nagging I can now attribute to the Holy Spirit, again, guiding me to the right decision. After surgery, the pathology report showed the 6.5 cm tumor from the right side, malignant, as we already knew. The report also said "Incidentally, microscopic cancer found in left breast tissue, ductal carcinoma in situ". Well, what do ya know. After seeing that report, I was so relieved! The Holy Spirit lead us right were we needed to be! 
• While the surgery and months of chemotherapy were maybe the darkest days I've had to face in my life thus far, I have never ever felt so loved. People I don't even know have heard my story and sent us money. I have received right at 100 greeting cards of encouragement in the mail, from friends and family, heck, even friends of friends have sent me stuff. My facebook page has exploded with love and support. My co-workers at Mt Vista came to my house and set up the most beautiful Christmas tree I have ever seen, jam packed with what else, but pink ornaments! My GBHU family bought me tons of gifts to help me during my recovery from surgery, and many of my co-workers donated money or PTO. My in-laws church took up a love offering. Neighbors, family members, friends have brought food, lots of food! My sisters and my mama cleaned my house numerous times. Our families stepped in to take care of Sawyer when I was too sick to get out of bed. I am on prayer lists at churches where I don't even know anybody. My BFF (and cousin) Chrissy came to my house many days, washed laundry, cleaned up and watched Sawyer, while I laid in the bed, exhausted from the chemo.  My manager at the hospital allowed me to work a schedule where I could be off work on the weeks of chemo and never said a word when I showed up pale and weak, working the shortened hours my doctor put me on. I've made friends with other bc survivors through support groups online, and what a blessing it is to talk to other ladies going through the exact same thing. We were the recipients of a raffle associated with the Tour De Kale. So many people have called to check on me, sent me texts to let me know they are thinking of me.  Honestly, the list goes on and on of all the ways we have been shown love and compassion. It all has meant to much to us! It definely made it easier to have so much help. People have loved up on us in ways I never would have expected. God used people to take care of us, and they might not have even known they were being used!
• Through out all of this, my relationship with my husband is stronger, more solid than ever. I feel like we made it through the past 8 months, my gosh, we can conquer anything! We can't take credit for this success though, only with Gods help were we able to become closer and stronger. Without Him, the outcome may have been very different.

Most importantly, God used this struggle to get me back where he wanted me. I'm not saying I was some raging heathen, lost in all my worldly ways, before my diagnosis, I wasn't. But I wasn't where I was supposed to be. Although we didn't go to church, I still believed in God, and I never stopped believing he had a plan for my life.  But I certainly was not actively seeking Him, and I wasn't in tune to his plan for my life. But I still prayed all the time for healing, every night, every day. I was mad again with God, when at the end of April, my CT scan showed those suspicious bone lesions on my right hip and spine. I told Steven, how in the world can God give me a beautiful son and good marriage, and then slap me in the face with the reality that I may not raise my baby or grow old with my husband. Steven said to me, Elisha, you are not doing anything to please him with our lives, we don't do to church, we don't tithe, we're not at all where we need to be, so how can you expect him to give you a miracle?! I thought about that for a while, and although I didn't want to admit it, he was right.

And finally, the cancer, the terrible burden of it, just reached a point where I couldn't handle it on my own anymore. The thought of the next scan and the possibility of another bad report, were just too much to bear. There was really only one way to turn. Me sitting at home, passively praying every night was not going to cut it, just like Steven said. So we found a church, a good one too!

And I gave it up, I surrended to him, laid down my struggles, and let him work in me. My new church, along with 100's of other people, have been praying deligently for me, praying this repeat bone scan last week would be clear. Last Sunday, we had a great service at church, with Pastor John sharing with the congregation a little about my situation, and the importance of my repeat scan. They laid hands on me, and prayed for me. It was awesome to feel the love there, and feel the power of so many people agreeing in prayer at one time.

I've heard a preacher say, God chooses to heal people and their ailments in one of 3 ways:
1. Doctors, nurses, hospitals, technology, medications, etc.- i.e. conventional medicine
2. He performs an outright miracle
3. He takes you home to be with Jesus, putting your physical body at rest

I believe my healing comes from a combination of #1 and #2. I can't deny the importance of medicine, it's what I do for a living, ya know. I believe my surgery, combined with chemo and radiation got most of the cancer. But it's obvious some rogue cencer cells probably made their way to my bones and set up camp, because of the report from that CT scan. But I also believe in the power of prayer. Because my bone scan last week was clear. Squeaky clean in fact. And even my oncologist said it really shouldn't be, "clinically speaking".

As a nurse, I understood the statistics of my situation were just not good. Stage IIIc breast cancer, with 12/14 lymph nodes positive for an aggressive, fast growing cancer, a tumor that was 6.5 cm in diameter. "Clinically", the odds are definitely against me. I had an epiphany however, and I realized, God is not "clinical"! How awesome is that? God doesn't care if 30 lymph nodes are positive, he doesn't care how big the tumor was, he doesn't care if the oncologist says there is a 50/50 chance the cancer is in your bones, it makes no difference to him. He tells the mountain to jump and it jumps, right?! Whatever was there, is not growing. It's not active cancer tumors. I think God took care of those spots for me, where the chemo didn't get to, and the radiation couldn't reach, God took care of it.

There may be more struggles ahead, but I feel like this season of battling and fighting the enemy is just about over. As Pastor John says, we've pushed the devil back over the line, back to the other side. He knows now that he's not welcome here anymore.

All I can do is thank the Lord and praise him. I'm able to stop worrying about planning my funeral, worrying about who will cut Sawyer's fingernails and who will fold the towels if I'm not here.  I can start living life!! I cannot wait to see what His plan is and how he will use me to help other ladies go through what I just went through. I am truly not bitter at all anymore. Turns out my mama was right and I believe I'm right where I'm supposed to be. So thank you Jesus for that!

"This is it, don't get scared now!" (Home alone, circa 1990)

Thursday is the big day! My last day of radiation treatment. I know in my last post, I wrote about radiation being pretty easy, I think I said "piece 'o cake". Well the last couple weeks have done me in. My skin is angry! Red, blistered, peeling, weeping. Disgusting, even to me, a nurse! The techs tell me whats happening to my skin is normal, expected, etc. Well, not normal to me! I feel sort of like a circus side show. It looks terrible! I feel fortunate though, part of the area being treated is still numb from my surgery, so I can only feel the pain of part of the burn (which is plenty at times!). 2 more days and I can mark radiation off this list! The kick-cancers-butt list.

Next week I have my repeat bone scan to look for the bone lesions seen on the CT scan I had back in April. I am getting a little nervous. I want so badly for the scan to be clean! I have never wanted anything so much. I am willing it to be negative, praying for it to be negative. I just can't accept anything less! My scan is on the 27th, and I have an appt on the 28th to get the results. I took the 28th off at work, and I hope it's a day of celebration! Ya'll please pray for me, that we get good news and can just relax a little bit. I feel like breast cancer will always be sort of a shadow, hovering behind us, but I just really want this scan to be clean so I can at least try to move on... just focus on living for a while. Be done with treatment, done with doctor appointments every week, done with all the weird side effects of all these treatments!

Speaking of side effects, last week I was sitting on the couch, probably watching some rot-your-brain-reality-tv show, minding my own darn business....... and my left big toenail fell off. Yeah, you read that right. My toenail.....fell....off. Just about the whole thing too. Left a tiny little sliver of nail. It didn't hurt, didn't bleed. Just popped right off. I went and showed Steven and he really wasn't all that surprised. I wasn't surprised that he wasn't surprised. The weird and wide-ranging side effects of surgery, chemo and radiation will seriously take a toll on a lady, seems like nothing is surprising anymore!

But back to the toenail.....So I did what everybody does. I googled it. Looks like one of the chemo meds I was on can cause major nail problems, even months after chemo is done. The drug can cause nails to turn green and then black and then fall off. Google shows lots of gross pictures of that very thing happening too. (mine didn't turn green, just fell off, for the record). So the next day, I went to the nail salon at where else, but Walmart. Even though there is a sign in sheet at the desk, one of the nail techs always calls out "What you need? You need pedicure? You need gel nail?" etc. And they have to be halfway across the salon too. So I answered back, as quietly as I thought I could get away with, "I need my toenail fixed". Tech: "You need pedicure?",  Me: "No, I need my big toenail fixed". again the tech: "You want pedicure, sit over there", pointing. (lord give me strength! geez)

Ok at this point, all the customers are looking at me, and I say again, a bit louder, "No, I don't need a pedicure, my TOENAIL fell off, I need it fixed". So then the tech comes over to me, starts speaking some foreign language, with loud exclamations, then another tech joined the first one, more exclamations, looking from me and my bald head, back down to my little short toenail shard, and then back at me, then again with the pointing to my toe, more unintelligible exclamations.. At this point, I seriously wanted a big hole to open up right there in the Regal Nails floor and swallow me up! It was quite the spectacle. Finally they let me sit down in a pedicure chair. I explained to the gals that I had to take chemo and it can cause nails to peel or actually fall off. (I'm sure they didn't understand one word I said, but I felt like I at least had to try and explain myself, right?) They decided to make me an acrylic toenail. It looks good and as soon as they finished 'sculping' it, I felt(sort of) normal again. But what a weirdo experience. I felt like I walked in there naked or something, with a fungal toe or something that needed repair. Holy cow. But all is well. I have 10 toenails again, even if one is fake. They are painted purple for anyone curious :)

So, ya'll keep me in your prayers for this scan. And I will update sometime next week. Still holding on to Jeremiah 29:11.

love,
elisha